NEW YORK CITY—Touting the discovery as a breakthrough in understanding the behavioral patterns of the insects, Rockefeller University researchers published a study Friday revealing that mosquitos are more attracted to people branded with the Mosquito God’s rune of punishment. “After several rounds of clinical trials with a control group, we can confirm that anyone marked by the imprint of suffering from Ranggnarr, The God of Mosquitos, is far more likely to be bitten by the insect deity’s loyal worshippers,” said Entomology Department Head Marcus Falwell, advising Americans who plan on spending time outdoors to cover any exposed skin that was singed with righteous flames by the Supreme Winged Being as penance for crimes against mosquito-kind. “We have found that the bright colors emanating from the ominous glow of the rune will transform people into mosquito magnets, causing a primal force inside the pests to compel them to torment the branded subjects on behalf of their ancestor’s suffering during the Dreadful Squashing.” Falwell also cautioned anyone who worshipped false mosquito idols during the last equinox to wear long sleeves as a precautionary measure.
