ÉVIAN-LES-BAINS, FRANCE—Claiming their failure to help America would now leave the nations incredibly vulnerable to the danger of shotgun carousels, President Donald Trump warned the G7 summit this week that the U.S. will no longer protect them from the threat of the serial killer Jigsaw. “We asked you all for support, and you didn’t listen, so when you find yourself with a reverse bear trap on your face and a red countdown timer ticking down, don’t you dare call America, because we won’t help you,” said Trump, cautioning foreign allies that he would no longer authorize any preventive ordinances to prevent John Kramer from kidnapping them and forcing them to cut the key to their shackles out from their own skin. “I’m sure you’d love our very powerful military to come bail you out, but you’re all going to have to handle that tricycle-riding puppet by yourself. Believe me, Jigsaw will put your countries through a lot of little games. Everyone in the G7 better start practicing crawling around in barbed wire, because thanks to your inaction, that’s where your countries will be in the near future. I know you think that Jigsaw is dead, but he just wants you to think that.” At press time, Trump had reportedly bragged to G7 leaders that he was in talks to broker a peace deal between the U.S. and Freddy Krueger.
