LONDON—Insisting that digital platforms should be restricted to responsible individuals, members of the U.K. Parliament announced Friday they were weighing a ban on social media for everyone except old men who grow big vegetables. “Under our bill, users seeking to access Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, X, or other social media networks will first have to pass a photo verification test certifying they are over 65 years old and possess multiple gourds weighing more than 300 kilos,” said Prime Minister Keir Starmer, adding that users could alternatively provide evidence of carrots over 50 centimeters long or sunflowers over three meters tall. “The data is clear: Social media presents a clear risk to the mental health of everyone other than puffy, mild-mannered pensioners who exclusively use the platforms to share photos of their prized produce. We propose that starting in 2027, any images posted online that lack oversized tubers, leafy greens, Brussels sprouts, or some other form of veg be flagged as ‘sensitive content’ and subject to removal following review. We hope this move will safeguard the well-being of our citizens while allowing seniors a space in which to dazzle each other with stupendous aubergines and monstrous courgettes.” At press time, Parliament was reportedly considering a revised bill that would expand social media access to elderly women who make elaborate patchwork quilts.
