PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—Calling the move a long-overdue fix for one of the sport’s most glaring flaws, PGA tour officials announced plans Thursday to begin stationing goalies in front of every golf hole. “For far too long, golfers have faced virtually no resistance when trying to put the ball in the cup, and fans have grown tired of watching players sink the ball on literally every hole,” said PGA Tour commissioner Jay Monahan, explaining that the addition of 6-foot-5 netminders in full pads would finally force players to earn each birdie instead of simply knocking the ball toward an entirely unprotected hole. “At some point, we had to ask ourselves: How is this a real competition if the hole just sits there and lets everything in? There’s no challenge. These guys have been getting away with tap-ins for decades, but now let’s see them try that with a 240-pound goalie dropping into a butterfly stance.” At press time, several top golfers were reportedly practicing dekes after being informed the new goalies would not be fooled by players reading the break.
